Valve time approaching real time, doomsday approacheth! | Posted by Brent on Nov 23rd 10 12:55 AM
Valve today announced that Portal 2 -- the sequel to the ground-breaking title that won over 30 game of the year awards, despite missing its original ship date -- will now be available the week of April 18th, 2011. This two month slip not only marks the shortest delay in Valve's proud tradition of delays, it represents the approaching convergence of Valve Time and Real Time. Though this convergence spells doom for humanity, it will not affect the new Portal 2 release date. For more information, please visitwww.thinkwithportals.com
Valve's release date delays have been slowly approaching real time over the past several years. At first there was no danger, the time differential was over a year in some cases, leaving rabbits free to frolic through fields until their spines are chewed through by a stoat 1/10th their size. It has been predicted by some individuals that this "singularity" of sorts is going to beckon doomsday upon us all, while others insist we will survive but be transported to another dimension. The computer models released by Aperture Science back this up, but many skeptics disagree. Fortunate for you, we have designed this survival guide for the Valve Time / Real Time Convergence a.k.a "The Valve Time Singularity"
Step 1. Find a crowbar. This is the most important step of them all. The usefulness of a crowbar can never be underestimated. They can be used to open canned food in an emergency and pry open crates and doors to scavenge for supplies. Crowbars are useful in many situations, but none as useful as defending yourself against a mutant zombie attack which is still the forefront of the modeled results of the singularity by the ZSC (Zombie Storm Center).
Step 2. Seek to buy your graphics cards on time. If you are ever buying a graphics card to prepare for a future Valve game, purchase your graphics card based on Real-Time, not Valve-Time. Unlike the masses who purchased the 9800 and 9600's for Half-Life 2 in November 2004, you will not have to wait a year and a half for the game you got a free copy of to be released.
Step 3. Buy a stun gun and numb yourself to it's powers.* Post-apocalypse, the combine will likely take over and submit you to daily stun stick stings. Try to increase your immunity to stun based weapons by repeatedly stunning yourself* and you may have a better chance at getting away from the combine...or not.*
This cop has the right idea...*
Step 4. Stay away from CERN and all other particle colliders. We all know that the entry path for the Xen and Combine are portals created by anti-mass spectrometers or "super portals." Trying to keep your distance from these will put some space between you and the Combine's inevitable takeover of the human race.
Step 5. Become a hoarder. There is even a TV show to help you reach your goals! Try to be a neat hoarder, like this person. That way when you are faced with no other option but to survive on what you've hoarded, you can easily find the SPAM.
With these tips, we wish you good luck in your adventures surviving the impending Valve-Time singularity.
* This is comedy. Seriously, do not taser yourself - numb nuts.
Posted by Brent on Nov 23rd 10 12:55 AM
Edited by Brent on November 23rd 2010 01:24 AM